


Alone

by CrystalMemoria



Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Character Study, Coping, Depression, Fear, Gen, Guilt, High School, Introspection, Loneliness, References to Depression, References to bullying, Sad, Sadness, School, Self-Esteem Issues, Solitude, stepford smiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-20 20:56:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21063071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalMemoria/pseuds/CrystalMemoria
Summary: It's another day at school, but Aichi isn't feeling like his normal, cheerful self. Although his friends are in the classroom along with him, he finds himself lost. His mind goes in circles, thinking of things he wishes he could escape from.A look into Aichi's mind on a bad day, what he may feel, and things that surely haunt him even now...Because sometimes... Sometimes memories never truly fade.





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone!
> 
> This story was actually something I wrote when I was suffering from a really bad day, and I sort of vented through Aichi. However, I feel like this actually does work for him. Considering what he's been through, I think it's natural for him to feel like this.
> 
> This one is NOT related to that crossover roleplay my previous fanfic, Facing Fears, is related to. This one can be placed in either the original anime or reboot anime continuity (Although it's naturally before Season 4 of the original and before the Koshien in the reboot). I wasn't specific.
> 
> However, I personally feel that this works better for the reboot anime and/or manga timeline due to the nature of the flashbacks of Aichi we see. However, please feel free to interpret it as you wish!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Cardfight!! Vanguard belongs to Bushiroad. I do not stand to profit from this work in any way.

It’s a normal day… or at least it should be.

Aichi’s in class right now, sitting quietly, listening to the teacher speak, and… he just feels a little down today. He’s doing his best to pay attention. His studies are important, of course. He knows that. He wants to do well.

It doesn’t happen all the time, but sometimes he finds himself slipping back into that lonely, sad mindset of before that fateful day he met Kai again. He can’t help but feel it’s a little… silly. He’s not alone anymore. He has so many friends that he’s nothing but thankful for… So, he should be happy all the time, right? He’s happier than he’s ever been with all of them around!

But yet, he finds himself here. He finds himself sitting in class, feeling as though he’s alone in a crowd. Like there’s no one but himself as he’s suffocating in a lonely, colorless, cold world… He knows it’s not true. He knows he’s not back in elementary school or junior high. Of course, he's not. It's been such a long time since elementary school, and he has friends in this very classroom for crying out loud.

Just taking the time to look around a little lets him see Naoki, Kourin, and Shingo… Not to mention that Misaki’s attending this school as well, even though she’s not in this specific classroom. They’re all here, they’re his friends, and it’s not like they wouldn’t care.

Still, he finds himself silently begging for school to end. The only thing that would really perk his spirits right now is the Cardfight Club. Having fun with his friends, playing Vanguard… Vanguard has always been the key to getting rid of some of the sadness, like that. Ever since he was young, he’d look at his cards, work on his deck, pretend to play… He’d do all of those things and it would raise his spirits just a little, and allow him to forget all of those painful things around him…

He hasn’t had to resort to desperately thrusting himself into his deck in a long time. Nowadays he's always so… so happy and upbeat. It’s so weird to even imagine himself like that. Anytime he’s in a decent mood, it’s baffling to think that he’s capable of such happiness. Right now… it’s actually rather hard to imagine it at all.

He can try to think of all of those happy memories, all the fun he has had, and all the friends he’s made… but right now, it all feels rather hollow… It makes him feel very guilty, honestly. He should be happier thinking of them. He should be able to wear a smile as he recounts all of those things.

It feels like he’s in the wrong for not being able to.

It’s so… so _ stupid. _ He feels like he was back then, and he shouldn’t. All the pain should be gone. The loneliness should be gone. The sadness should be gone. The hollow feeling should be gone.

...Why isn’t it gone…?

Is there something wrong with him? Should he be doing something different? It’s not fair to his friends that he apparently doesn’t appreciate their friendship enough. That’s all it could be, right…? For him to be lonely even when he knows he’s surrounded by people who care about him, people who enjoy his company, people he’s apparently inspired…

It’s so stupid that he’s stuck wondering if any of them would even notice he feels like this. He finds himself looking over at his fellow Cardfight Club members, and wondering…

...If any of them looked in his direction right now, by chance, would they be able to tell something’s wrong?

Part of him hopes not. He doesn’t want anyone to know that apparently their friendship isn’t enough. That apparently he still feels like that pathetic boy who was bullied all the time, the shy kid that never spoke up for himself, the coward that would be afraid to stand up when things were crashing down…

The idea of his friends seeing that side of him… He doesn’t want that. For the most part, none of them really saw what he was like during those days. Kai and Naoki saw the most of it, but even then, they didn’t see everything.

There were many days he wanted to cry, days he wanted to just lie in bed, and never get back up again, days he just wished he could slip into dreamland, and never have to deal with all the pain his life brought him, days in which he retreated into his imagination, even during school hours, just to make himself feel just a little less sad…

It’s… why does he still feel like this…? He doesn’t get it… It’s all in the past. He hasn’t dealt with anything to warrant this loneliness in such a long time now… He doesn’t know why he’s feeling it now…

It’s illogical. Ridiculous. Pathetic. _ Stupid. _

...He actually forgot how much of a pessimist he could be. He wishes he didn’t have to remember. He wishes he could just be happy all the time, that nothing was ever wrong, that he could have fun with all of his friends, playing Vanguard without a care in the world…

But… he can’t. Scars never truly heal, do they…? Even if it’s not happening now, the images of those bad memories are just as strong as the memories of the good ones… For every good memory lies another, bad one that tries to clash with it.

He doesn’t want to be alone again… He _ never _ wants to be alone again…

...But he finds himself here, all over again...

Alone. Among a classroom of students all doing their best to take in what the teacher is saying, and yet he can’t seem to grasp a word. He’s usually so much better about this, and frankly, he wonders if he’s just not trying hard enough.

Has he ever been trying hard enough? If he was, then he wouldn’t feel like this, right?

But what is he supposed to try harder at? School? Friendship? Chores? Management skills?

He has no clue what it is. The terrible feeling only makes it even harder to tell. He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore... He _shouldn’t_ feel like this anymore. Why do these feelings come back and haunt him? Why can’t he just live in peace and happiness now that all the things that led to the pain are no longer present?

It’s not right. It’s not right._ It’s not right. _

Class just continues on, and he’s doing what he usually does when things hurt him. He stays quiet, he tries to act like nothing is wrong, and he lets everyone go about their business.

He’s just looking down at an open book that he’s only vaguely aware is the right page number... or is it? Were they supposed to turn the page, and he didn’t even notice? Second-guessing himself about something like this only makes him feel worse. It’s such a simple task, and yet he’s finding himself distracted.

It just feels like he could keep going down this spiraling thought process, going in circles as his feelings drive him insane…

Years of hiding it for the sake of avoiding worrying his mother have apparently paid off, at least. No one’s paying him any notice. He’s not sure if any of his friends would be looking in his direction, but chances are that they haven’t noticed. The teacher sure hasn’t noticed, simply continuing the lecture.

No one’s noticed a thing, and it’s something that both pleases him and makes it all the more painful.

The idea that he and his feelings don’t matter is something that rears its head, even though he knows better than to think his friends wouldn’t care. It’s not fair to them if he thinks they don’t care, right…?

He does his best to assure himself that it’s not true. That they do care. It’s something he logically knows. They’ve proven to him time and time again that they really do care about him. All the times they’ve supported him, the times they’ve defended him, the times they stood by him…

...Even if he feels he’s completely undeserving of it all.

...No, no. He can’t keep doing this. He needs to distract himself. Distance himself from the bleak mindset he’s found himself in. The words in the teacher’s lecture still resemble background noise, even though he’s staring at the whiteboard as the teacher writes on it. It’s not like he’s speaking quietly, either. It’s just his own inability to focus...

He just needs to hold on, and get to the end of the school day. Then he can play with his friends, and perhaps… Perhaps this feeling will go away.

He’ll smile as soon as his friends talk to him after class, he’ll smile while they head to the club room, he’ll smile when they see Misaki, he’ll smile while cardfighting…

He’ll smile, smile, smile, and smile… But still, he knows…

He knows that one day this feeling will emerge again. This emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and all the negative thoughts buzzing through his head at rapid speeds. All the things he dreads and fears, flashbacks to the times he suffered throughout his life, negative possibilities forcing themselves into his mind, and guilt as he finds himself believing he’s not worthy of the happier things in his life.

It’s all a painful, never-ending cycle…

A bleeding wound that he fears will never, ever fade...

**Author's Note:**

> I believe that Aichi would still suffer from his depression even though his life has vastly improved since his second meeting with Kai.
> 
> I imagine he was traumatized by all of the bullying he received, and even later on it has to haunt him. Some part of him always fears going back to being alone, and fears he'll never truly be free of his negative feelings.
> 
> Sometimes the smile he wears is fake, a mask hiding a wounded heart.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
